ERYKAH BADU OWNS DALLAS, DALLAS CRIES TO MOM

Erykah Badu's latest video for her song "Window Seat" shows her walking around downtown Dallas while removing clothing, and once she is down to her birthday suit, is shot at the same spot as JFK (indicated by the "X" on the road). Watch it for yourself.

Apparently, Dallas police and Mayor Pro Tem are asking for anyone who witnessed her striptease to file a formal complaint. They would like to charge her with disorderly conduct.

Seriously Dallas? Way to treat one of your best musical stars. Shame on you, -40 points! Why can't you just be cool? Wait....isn't that why we started this blog in the first place.....

Gem's sidenote: When Aimless and I were in a wreck last summer, 911 implied that unless someone was maimed, understaffing at DPD meant no officer would be coming. In light of that, the amount of manpower being devoted to this is infuriating. Sure she broke the law, but how is a press conference three weeks after the misdemeanor a good use of municipal resources? And rich, conservative Dallasites dropped her name how many times to raise money for the fancy new Booker T. building?

DELAYED CONTRIBUTION: DOWNTOWN SHMOWNTOWN

Ok, so it's been a while, but Gem has now provided me with the password so I can make updates myself. I promise, we have done things as the weeks have passed, and I'll start posting those items as I can. This first entry took place back in January. I ventured out without Gem, much to my dismay. My destination was the “viper pit” of Dallas douchbaggery – Downtown. It began with a wedding reception at the Third Space Gallery. This is located by the Iron Cactus, which is alive with people wanting to be seen in their “finest.” Just walking by it was enough, with people stopping to take pictures in the classic girls-leaning-over-hands-on-the-knees pose. Oh, and there was a Hummer stretch limo. Yipes!

The actual gallery was nice, and made for a classy reception. I found a table to seat myself at and then helped myself to the wine in the open bar. And, who am I fooling, made about 4 trips to get food. I was pretty hungry.

The rumor mill started that everyone was headed to Plush after the reception was over. Normally I would have groaned in dread, as I tend to stay as far away as possible from bars with one-syllable names. They’re usually the worst of the worst. This time, I thought it would be great fodder for this blog. Soon it came to light that this place required a $10 cover for ladies and $15 for guys. The people I was with are reasonable, and quickly made the decision to go to the bar at Magnolia Hotel instead, which is where everyone that came in town for the reception was staying.

Walking into the hotel seemed promising enough, as we were greeted with quite the luxury car.

After the boys posed for a few pictures we wandered inside to the bar. We chose a side area that had three girls sitting together in a couch. They were, literally, in the process of grabbing each other’s boobs when we walked in. I’m about 4 glasses of wine in, so I had no problem inquiring into what they’re up to. Turns out they were trying to decide who has the largest breasts. They wanted me to submit my opinion. Now, I didn’t touch them, but I did give my opinion based upon site only on who the winner was. Sorry, there are no pictures to document this encounter. Soon after, the rest of the people from the reception entered the room, and the ladies dispersed. The rest of the night was spent finishing the leftover wine from the reception and hanging out with good people.

Dallas, you did offer up a few gems in your downtown area, but the night was made by the company I kept instead of anything you had to add. Therefore I award you no points. You should consider this a victory.

SIGH.

Well, this sucks. Dallas is a city where you are expected to wear your $90,000 wedding ring to buy groceries, is it any wonder these things happen? Speedy recovery, ma'am.

-∞, Dallas. I'm in a mood.

PSA: DAILY CANDY IS STUPID

Aimless and I signed up for Daily Candy Dallas to get some ideas for new things to try in Dallas (more to come - we actually tried one this week!). Daily Candy also sends out emails for the entire nation and this little gem arrived today.

That's right, they'd like you to spend $20 on socks (!!!) for your chair (!!!). From the manufacturer's website: "Trust us, you'll have a conversation starter in seconds!" I imagine the conversation going something like this:

Sane Person: What the hell is on your chairs?

Idiot: Socks! Aren't they funny?

Sane Person: Socks? Were your chairs complaining about their feet getting cold?

Idiot: Uh, no. But aren't they funny?

Sane Person: Did you make those yourself or did you actually waste money on them?

Idiot: Uh, I bought them. But aren't they funny?

Sane Person: How much did you blow on socks that you can't even wear?

Idiot: Uh, $20. But aren't they funny?

Sane Person: You wasted $20 per chair just to make your dining set look like they are relaxed enough in your home to kick off their shoes and run around in socks? Will you buy them shoes when you have company over?

Idiot: But...aren't they funny?

GEM TAKES ON: KONA'S REVERSE HAPPY HOUR

(Who are we kidding, Gem is too old to make it to a happy hour that starts at 9. But since everyone in Dallas goes crazy in the coconut for reverse happy hour, we're going to pretend that this happened at night and not at uh, 5:30. Just pretend, please.)

WARNING: Bullet Points Ahead

Kona Grill's Reverse Happy Hour should suck by the usual Gem and Aimless Standard. Strikes against it:

• It is located in a mall.
• It is a chain.
  
• It is often filled with hordes of Dallasites looking to score cheap(er than normal, let's not kid ourselves. It's still Dallas.) sushi and drinks.
  
• If the weather is remotely tolerable said hordes turn into vultures, ready to descend on an open or nearly open table in a second.
• These hordes have been known to step on you with a stiletto or elbow you in the face in pursuit of $3 sushi rolls.
  
• I'm not joking, people get ugly going for those tables. Being averse to conflict, this place usually gives me anxiety.
• The picture below is from Kona's Dallas website. Those people look like...fun?
  

But on this particular evening, I had a few things going for me:

• People stayed away because of the cold but the heaters did their job nicely.
• I had never discovered that a sake bomb at Kona is not the same thing as a sake bomb at Kyoto; rather than yelling followed by chugging followed by stumbling, this one involved a bottle of sake and a gigantic Kirin. For $6. SCORE. Stumbling included.
  

I went into this happy hour anticipating deducting points but thought maybe, just maybe, we'd stay neutral and award none. And then this happened, in rapid succession:

• The Ting Tings - "That's Not My Name"
  
• Junior Senior - "Move Your Feet"
  
• St. Vincent - "Actor Out of Work"
• Delta Spirit - "Trashcan"
  

After a few of those sake bombs, we'll just say I was feeling the soundtrack. HECK, YES.

Five points, Kona. But if we go back and you devolve into that crappy 90s mix again, those five big ones will be revoked quicker than a vulture in stilettos can steal my table.

Current Score: -153. Color me surprised.

YOU ARE KILLING US, GRANADA.

Looks like fun, right? WRONG.

If there’s one place your fearless writers feel at home, it’s at the Granada. It’s in our neighborhood, it plays our music, it serves our beer. But when it comes to showing the Cowboys in their first playoff game, it really sucks. Doors were supposed to be at 6, but actually opened at about 6:50, with a 7:05 kickoff. You want to make Cowboys fans prickly? Make them think they are going to miss kickoff. Oh, and don’t serve food but have lots of signs up for the Cowboys food specials. And only have one bar open.

From there, it devolved into a maddening game of musical chairs that ended with us on Aimless’ couch, watching the game on her big screen with a fridge full of cheap beer and pizza. It was a wise choice.

It hurts, it feels so wrong, please don’t make us do it:

Cowboys game at Granada, you just cost Dallas some points. 34 to be exact, one for each point we had to watch the 'Boys score at home.

Current score:-158. Complete bummer.

DALLAS SUCKS.

Right, we know. Urban Dictionary has it right, and we all know that the UD doesn’t lie. We’ve tried to be open minded but so far the bad outweighs the good. Best to just move and let the material masses flounder in peace. If only it were that easy!

By our calculations, Dallas has us in its shiny, expensive, Botox-injected grip for approximately 124 more weeks. Not that we’re counting. In the meantime, your fair-minded writers are willing to give Dallas a last ditch shot at redemption. Here’s the game: we’ve given Dallas a point value of -124. Every week or so, we’ll try out something new and report back. If Dallas sucks even a smidge less as a result of our outing, we’ll give the Big D some points back. But if it sucks or the city does something particularly heinous, Dallas will sink further into negative territory. Can Dallas break even before we escape?

Doubtful. But we’re giving it a go. Stay tuned.

Gem & Aimless